Monday, December 5, 2011

I'll Give You My Dirty Little Secrets

Ok, so the title is a bit misleading because I'm not going to tell you anything. I'm sure most, if not all of you already know what's happened, so I won't even go into it.

I'm writing this blog because I'm tired of avoiding people and being self conscious about what others may think about me. It dawned on me that there's only a few people's opinions that matter to me. A few people whose opinion I care about, one in particular, has an extremely unfavorable opinion of me. Understandably so. I don't know the rumors going around now, but I'm sure they're pretty juicy. It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters that much to me anymore. I've lost everything that I was proud of and it was entirely my fault.

One of the main reasons that I'm writing this blog is so I can make a few things clear. My current life is not roses and chocolates. I don't go out with friends because I'm "free to do whatever" I want now. It's been quite the opposite. I don't want to do anything. There's not a waking moment of my life the past couple months that I don't have guilt eating me alive. I am not proud of what I did. I'm not happy with the way things went down. I'm not happy knowing that I was capable of doing what I did. I was the last person that I thought was capable of inflicting this kind of hurt to someone they love.

I've screwed up a lot in my life. But I was always happy to say that I had no regrets. However, I can't say that now. There's not a question in my mind that if I had the chance to do things over again, I would give everything that I had just to undo the hurt I caused. I would take away all the lies that built up to cover all the other lies. I would have committed myself fully.

I know it's stupid for me to say this since I'm already 27. But I've grown up a lot in the past couple months. Or rather, I finally realized the full extent of the damage I caused. It's sad to think that I just finally figured it out...

Not to get all religious on you (because you all know how credible I am when it comes to preaching), but we are commanded to be like Jesus, who's perfect. Nobody is perfect. We will make mistakes along the way. But as long as we TRY to be perfect and not pretend to try, we will be blessed. I know that I'm completely out of the running for the "best husband" award...forever. I can never undo what I did. I can never fully repair all the damage. But for the rest of my life, I'll definitely try to make up for it. Even though I'll already have the label of "worst husband" (among other things), I still have a shot of being the "best dad". Right now, that's my focus and the most important thing to me.

People can talk behind my back; call me names; add to the rumors; think the worst about me...but whenever I'm with my son, Jack and he's smiling, laughing and making his cute squeals, my love for him will more than make up for it.

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