Monday, December 5, 2011

I'll Give You My Dirty Little Secrets

Ok, so the title is a bit misleading because I'm not going to tell you anything. I'm sure most, if not all of you already know what's happened, so I won't even go into it.

I'm writing this blog because I'm tired of avoiding people and being self conscious about what others may think about me. It dawned on me that there's only a few people's opinions that matter to me. A few people whose opinion I care about, one in particular, has an extremely unfavorable opinion of me. Understandably so. I don't know the rumors going around now, but I'm sure they're pretty juicy. It doesn't matter. Nothing really matters that much to me anymore. I've lost everything that I was proud of and it was entirely my fault.

One of the main reasons that I'm writing this blog is so I can make a few things clear. My current life is not roses and chocolates. I don't go out with friends because I'm "free to do whatever" I want now. It's been quite the opposite. I don't want to do anything. There's not a waking moment of my life the past couple months that I don't have guilt eating me alive. I am not proud of what I did. I'm not happy with the way things went down. I'm not happy knowing that I was capable of doing what I did. I was the last person that I thought was capable of inflicting this kind of hurt to someone they love.

I've screwed up a lot in my life. But I was always happy to say that I had no regrets. However, I can't say that now. There's not a question in my mind that if I had the chance to do things over again, I would give everything that I had just to undo the hurt I caused. I would take away all the lies that built up to cover all the other lies. I would have committed myself fully.

I know it's stupid for me to say this since I'm already 27. But I've grown up a lot in the past couple months. Or rather, I finally realized the full extent of the damage I caused. It's sad to think that I just finally figured it out...

Not to get all religious on you (because you all know how credible I am when it comes to preaching), but we are commanded to be like Jesus, who's perfect. Nobody is perfect. We will make mistakes along the way. But as long as we TRY to be perfect and not pretend to try, we will be blessed. I know that I'm completely out of the running for the "best husband" award...forever. I can never undo what I did. I can never fully repair all the damage. But for the rest of my life, I'll definitely try to make up for it. Even though I'll already have the label of "worst husband" (among other things), I still have a shot of being the "best dad". Right now, that's my focus and the most important thing to me.

People can talk behind my back; call me names; add to the rumors; think the worst about me...but whenever I'm with my son, Jack and he's smiling, laughing and making his cute squeals, my love for him will more than make up for it.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

July 23rd will be my 4th anniversary with Crate and Barrel, and it will also be my last day. There have been good memories and not so great, but I will only focus on the good. In 4 years, I have made good friends, acquaintances and co-workers. I built up fond memories with many of them and am sad that I may never get the chance to see some of them ever again. But here are just a few people I’d like to mention in no particular order:

Aaron Green- Thank you for being a friend even though you declared hating Asian people on my second day at work.

Miles- You are probably the only man I know that’s prettier than some girls I’ve met.

Dan- Ladies Man Dan, you somehow managed to fill out an incident report more than the entire store population COMBINED. I applaud you.

Leanne- best HBIC…ever

Mandy- You were the best boss I’ve ever had. And thank you for being my only facebook stalker.

Pete Lafferty- I didn’t work with you very long, but I’m constantly reminded of your presence when I find paint stains all over the store.

The Brady Sisters- please let me know if you ever find that “orgasmic bath mat”…I’d like to have one.

Chris Sartain- one of the most genuinely nice guys I’ve had the pleasure to work with.

Alethea- another genuinely great person. I’ll miss making fun of you and your laugh. Work was always better when you were around.

Stephanie- always high spirited. Your attitude is contagious and I loved working side by side with you during the holidays.

Marvin- Though you’ve said many inappropriate and uncomfortable comments, I like you by default because you’re Filipino like me…even though you’re actually Chinese.

Jimmy- I’m still waiting to get an autographed copy of your book, “How to get a Cougar”

Fridge Burglar- because of you, I feel the need to hide my cliff bars. (only a few of you will get this)

Jeff- I’ll miss playing volleyball with you...even though we never even got the chance to play together.

Jen C/M- you were always a good sport when you were getting ribbed by the stock guys. And thanks for being shorter than me.

Marcia- You redefine the word “urgent”

Nita- Ummm...I'm going to miss you.

Jack- when you’re not in the hospital, you’re a pretty funny guy.

Nicole- congratulations for being the last African American to survive the movie. And no matter who started it, you were the first person I heard say "shut the front door!"

Brad- Go get your money, boy!

There are so many of you that I would love to mention, but I know I’m going end up forgetting about one or two people. So I’m going to stop here. I want to thank EVERYONE for the memories and the good times that I will take with me as I move on from Crate. It was a good ride while it lasted, but all good things must come to an end at one point. I want to wish everyone luck in whatever they have planned for their future.

If I have any reservations about leaving Crate and Barrel at this point, it’s because I found out that I really like going to Planet Smoothie for lunch. There's nothing like drinking a nice cold smoothie on a hot day and sitting at the parking garage to get away from it all. Too bad I only started going there last month. Oh well.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

For Lindy from Jack...

In honor of Mother's Day, I would like to dedicate this blog post to my wife and mother of my child.

I am constantly amazed by the relationship of Lindy and Jack. An instantaneous bond was formed when she found out she was pregnant. There is nothing else like it in the world and a part of me is jealous of their love, but mostly grateful and humbled by what a child can do to a person's emotions. I know that there is nothing in the world that Lindy would trade motherhood for. She has taken on her first months as a mom with great patience, hard work, humility and courage.

Though Dads won't say it often, or ever, Mom's have the hardest jobs in the world. It's hard to imagine having a 24/7 job that is responsible for the upbringing of a human being. I do as much as I can and I know Jack loves me, but if he had to choose, I know Jack will be reaching out for mom.


Saturday, May 7, 2011

All about poop.

Since it's been about 3 months since my last blog post, you would think I would have quite a bit to say. Well, I'm am very happy to inform you that I don't. So you are spared.

So what do I write about when I have nothing to write about? Well, staying consistent with this blog, I will talk about what's new with fatherhood. I guess the biggest news I can share with you right now is that Jack's poop is now solid. It also smells...really bad. I remember preparing myself to change my very first diapers. I wanted to buy surgical cloves and a dust mask, at least anything that could lessen the smell of waste. Fortunately, I managed to scavenge plenty of these from the hospital before we left.

After several diapers, I realized that it's not so bad at all. The smell wasn't pleasant by any means, but more like an odor you smell when walking into somebody's house for the first time and not quite sure whether it's just the exotic food their cooking or it really smells like that 24/7. Confusion. So it was never bad enough for me to ever use the gloves or mask.

Ever since Jack was introduced to solid food, the bombings and gurgling sounds in the pants have subsided and has since been replaced with Jack's heavy grunting. The smell is no longer that funky smell that you're not quite sure what to make of, but to be blunt, smells like crap. Every parent that I've talked to tells me "wait until he starts eating meat." As bad as it is now changing fruity diapers, I don't even want to think about changing meaty ones.